Musings, Thru Hike

What do we do now?

What do we do with it all?

The memories, the feelings, the associations.

Everything we now carry since we’ve emptied our packs and unshouldered their weight.

A summer that somehow felt like lifetimes, all wrapped and rolled into an amorphous mass in the center of my being, begging to be unraveled and lived, again and again.

l get flashbacks that rock through my body and leave me breathless.

Yesterday, it had me bawling.

The simplest things…

like positive trauma –

Walking behind Wes.

A cup of tea cradled in my cold hands, breath billowing out in front of me, mingling with the vast, scenic view.

Hearing Cozy singing softly up trail, the words floating back like little clouds.

They go down my throat and nestle into my heart space, to stay.

Moments planted and growing over everything, like vines, inviting new life unto itself yet blocking the light.

Do I rip them down and let them die? Or let them grow and see what happens?

I don’t know.

. . . . . . .

Some days, the memories that surface through the over-spastic brain-static cause tears to tumble down my cheeks. Other days, laughter bubbles up from my core and bursts out of my mouth, surprising even me.

I never know what it will be. What I’ll be faced with, when I open the door to a flow of feelings asking for welcome. I know I must love it unconditionally. Embrace it as a friend, give it my full attention while it’s visiting within, and let it go completely when it leaves.

And then… maybe a third option will arise. The trail taught me to climb. To love the ascension – the work that it takes to lift oneself up. Because then you can see. You can stand clearly in the light once more, breathing freely. Maybe those vines growing so rapidly around me are an opportunity to climb and see my life from a higher perspective.

. . . . . . .

A lesson that dirt path reverberated into my every footstep, insistently, profuse and profound –

One. Step. At. A. Time.

Breathe and walk…

Walk and breathe.

Trust the path in front of you. Move forward, however slow, however painful.

Move forward.

To stagnate is to give in to a slow, unnecessary lifelessness.

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